The Short Version
We collect approximately nothing. We’re too busy being cursed to spy on you. But legally, we have to write all this down, so here we go.
What We Collect
Things You Voluntarily Sacrifice
- Email address — if you join the cult (newsletter signup). We use this exclusively to send you memes, discount codes, and unsolicited emotional support.
- Your vibes — detected automatically via proprietary Chaos Index™ algorithms. Non-refundable.
Things Our Website Passively Absorbs
- Analytics data — we use Matomo, a privacy-respecting, self-hosted analytics platform. No data is shared with big tech overlords. We track page views and basic usage patterns so we know which sections of our site bring the most existential dread.
- Cookies — see our Cookie Hex for the full breakdown. Spoiler: it’s minimal.
Things We Absolutely Do NOT Collect
- Your social security number (we can barely manage our own)
- Your browsing history (we don’t want to know)
- Your search queries (we’re afraid to look)
- Biometric data (your face is your own curse to bear)
- Financial data (our CFO can’t even read a spreadsheet)
How We Use Your Data
- Newsletter delivery — sending you the weekly dispatch from the cult
- Site improvement — understanding which pages make people stay vs. flee
- Absolutely nothing else — we lack both the infrastructure and the motivation
Third-Party Services
| Service | Purpose | Data Shared |
|---|---|---|
| Matomo (self-hosted) | Analytics | Page views, anonymized |
| fuck.markets | Our store (external site) | Nothing from us — they have their own policy |
| Google Fonts | Typography | Standard font loading requests |
We do not sell, trade, rent, or ritually sacrifice your data to any third party. We barely understand our own databases.
Data Retention
- Newsletter emails: kept until you unsubscribe or the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first
- Analytics: anonymized after 90 days, purged after 180
- Vibes: retained permanently in the astral plane (non-deletable)
Your Rights (The Un-Cursing Clause)
You have the right to:
- Access — ask us what data we have on you (it’s probably just your email)
- Delete — request removal from our systems (the cult will miss you)
- Opt out — unsubscribe from the newsletter at any time (you can’t unsubscribe from the curse, though)
- Complain — file a complaint with your local data protection authority (they’ll probably be confused)
Children’s Privacy
Our site is not directed at anyone under 13. If you are under 13, please go outside. Touch grass. Come back when you’ve developed a healthy sense of existential dread.
Changes to This Curse
We may update this privacy curse from time to time, usually at 3am during a moment of clarity. Changes will be posted on this page with an updated “last hexed” date.
Contact the Data Coven
Questions about your privacy? Concerns about your data? Just need someone to talk to?
Email: privacy@cursedbrands.com (response time: 1-3 business curses)
Remember: the real privacy violation was the friends we made along the way.